The day I graduate vet school, I will have completed my very first marathon.

No, not the 26.2 mile deal, but a marathon none the less. Because all I can really compare it to is running. I spent last fall pushing myself through the woods on an almost-daily basis. When I began, I could barely run for a few minutes; by the end, I was loving every last second of it. (Running is a million times more enjoyable than vet school ever will be, but I digress...) The point is, learning to conquer what you once thought was impossible is not about the physical strength or endurance, but about your brain. Willpower is what endurance - either physical or mental - is all about. I would tell myself to just jog to that one log, or over the next hill, around the next turn and then I could stop. But I can be stubborn. Once I got there I though well hell, why not just run to the bridge or the fork before you stop? And before I knew it I was cranking out miles. Just like I've cranked out the miles of knowledge (or maybe just regurgitated memorized tidbits) so far.

While running, there were times when I was convinced I could not go another step. I've been feeling that way about school lately. But I just force myself to keep going that last little bit...and then a little more. Step by agonizing step, I'm going to make it through ten classes and surgery and case presentations and scheduling rotations and exams and keeping up with my friends back home and remembering to go to the grocery store. The trick is not to look up and see how much trail I have left in front of me.

On the drive home from school today, I gave myself a bit of a talking-to. Essentially: control the factors you are able to control to the best of your ability and forget everything else.

I like to set goals for myself, to plan ahead instead of just letting life sweep me along. But if there's any lesson we all know too well it is that life doesn't always unfold the way you expect it to, regardless of the amount of planning you put into it. Never in a million years did I expect to be in vet school in Canada. But you can't flounce and stress about everything that isn't carefully aligned with your plans - you've got to roll with the punches sometimes. So the last two years I've been doing just that, with moderate successes along the way.

After spending the week feeling bummed out and angsty, today managed to swing in the upward direction. I got to declaw a cadaver cat, did well on my first shot at a tricky tendon suturing pattern and got a skill signed off in my sugery skills booklet (sterile draping). And yeah, my lunch break was only about 10 minutes because our group was in charge of cleaning up the lab space after everyone left. And yeah, I didn't get to go to the lunch lecture on camelids that I wanted to go to. And yeah, I had to sit through three more hours of class. Yesterday those little losses would have dragged me down even further. But today I chose to look on the bright side and that made a difference. Interestingly enough, I feel a tiny flame of motivation to study for our rabbit quiz tomorrow.

Maybe counting the good things every day is what I need for a little while. I've also thought of googling meditation and trying to work a little of that into my routine every night, or yoga or something. If doing mini-resolutions has taught me anything, it's that I can change myself for the better with just a little effort.

Yesterday, I took an exam that I didn't feel very good about. Yesterday, I looked at my calendar as I do every day and all I could see was a gaping chasm of work and stress and tiredness. Yesterday, I felt many things, dejected being up there at the top.

Last night, I watched Monday Night Football with the space heater on, browsing half-heartedly through my exotics notes and allowing myself to be distracted by other things. Among those things was a website for women back home. Guest bloggers talked about all the sorts of things that they do - health, exercise, home decor, families, recipes, marriage. And as I sat reading about these blogger women, I felt simultaneously revolted and jealous. I've chosen a path in which my career is nearly equal to my relationship in importance and the idea of basing my self-worth on the fact that I'm married and lifted some dumbells and whipped up a quick (yet healthy and cost-effective) dinner and served it on my dinner table with perfect autumn decor is horrifying. And yet I have always, always been envious of the women out there who do it all - have a career, raise their children, stay healthy, cook, clean and keep their homes looking like catalogues. I always swear to Danny that I will be That Wife.

I didn't go to any of their blogs (I wouldn't be able to live down the dirty dishes in my sink, the unfolded blanket on the couch, etc) but as I crawled into bed last night, my thoughts kept returning to my own blog. All I managed yesterday was a couple of paragraphs whining about how stressed I am. What in blazes is the point of even writing something like that? To procrastinate studying for my quiz? To make other people feel sorry for me? Excuse my language, but eff that. It's time for a kick in the pants. The self-pity and the wallowing need to stop if I'm going to manage to get anything accomplished this semester. But that requires a plan and right now the only plan I have is to make a plan.

So it's off to the drawing board of life for me. To figure out how to motivate myself - or at least prevent myself from wasting too much time so that all that will be left to do is work, anyway - to figure out how to feel more organized (though my planner really does help), and to find a way to keep my head in the game. Because every time my head isn't in the game (which seems like all of the time lately), I end up feeling miserable.

Stay tuned.

Midterm season began officially today with a food animal exam. Unfortunately, I lacked sufficient motivation to study very well for it and as a result did not feel remotely confident with my performance. Depsite being multiple choice, which you would expect to not be so bad, I struggled. I think I had every question narrowed down to two choices, both of which I could justify to myself as being correct (meaning I couldn't remember enough nitty-gritty detail to pick one. Argh.)

We have a quiz on rectal palpation in the mare due before Wednesday, a rabbit quiz on Friday and three more exams (radiology, exotics and equine health) next week. Thank goodness there's no live surgery lab this week, or I'd be hooking myself up to an IV infusion of caffeine. The week after that is another quiz, a paper, an opthamology exam and all the trimmings of a live surgery lab on Thursday...in which I will be the surgeon. Ack.

So suffice to say I'm feeling just a touch overwhelmed right about now. I'm forseeing some busy nights in the near future...

My alarm went off at 5:45am this morning. It was still dark out. I had enough of my mental faculties to make a cup of tea and head out the door, thankfully not forgetting anything. I ate my breakfast (granola bars) in the school cafeteria under too-bright fluorescent lighting as the sun rose. After changing into scrubs and lab coat, with all of the accountrements of junior surgery dangling off of me or sticking out of pockets, we began our first live surgery lab.

I was the one to place the catheter (perfectly, on the first stick) and the endo-tracheal tube (my first time - also on the first try). We went through essentially the same questions we had to answer last week, while the animal was under general anesthesia. Then the surgeon came by and a groupmate and I each took care of a testicle.

For all that I worried, I was fine. I admit, previous experience placing IV catheters in cats helped me get that textbook placement today. But the intubation and castration parts were brand new and I'm so pleased with how I handled it. It gave me a good deal of confidence in my abilities and I think it finally helped me to not feel so darn panicked about the class as a whole. Just like yesterday, where I had a good case presentation (after collecting most of the data with my group but without a clinician present), I got this little tingle of excitement: I'm going to be a vet. And no, I don't intend to be in private practice, sterilizing puppies and kittens five days a week, but darn if it doesn't feel good to know that I can do it.

I will now go force-caffienate myself to get my assignment finished for tomorrow. Not a big fan of the "due the next day" business but it is what it is. 

Yesterday was an "I hate everything" kind of day. Our group was having so much trouble getting blood from our cat (in for elective castration tomorrow) - we're all experienced so it wasn't a case of just not quite having a grasp on the technique - and that sent me into a spiral of frustration and grumpiness. It wasn't reasonable and I knew I should let it go, but I let it linger and it made me cranky.

Today was so much better. The only bummer was that I had to give up my extra sleep-in hour that we get while fourth years present for clinical conference to meet my group and a medicine technician to get blood from our cat. The medicine tech was able to get blood first try and I felt so much better with that off of our collective plate. We submitted it to diagnostics and went up to class. The rest of the morning was fine. After lunch, we had medical exercises lab in large animal. We began by practicing our wound cleaning and suturing on equine cadaver legs. It was so much easier to work with than the foam tubes they gave us in our principles of surgery class! My vertical mattress pattern turned out alright but my simple interrupteds were awesome! I wanted to finish closing the "wound" but we ran out of time. We went over to the teaching hospital barn for case presentations.

When I was younger, "public speaking" made me so nervous. But there came a point in my life where I realized it's better to not be nervous (fake it til you make it applies quite well, I find) and I just...stopped being nervous. So I volunteered to present the case today - a Standardbred racing gelding with laryngeal hemiplasia. Like the horse that came in with botulism last year, this case was great timing as we've been talking about equine respiratory stuff for the past week or two. As the condition itself is pretty straight forward (one side of the airway is obstructed by tissue that doesn't lift out of the way like it's supposed to), it was a really nice, uncomplicated case to present. I was actually kind of sad that I don't have to present anymore for the class because going through the motions gave me one of those validating tingles. And that more than makes up for yesterday's frustrations.

Speaking of faking it til you make it, tomorrow is our first live surgery - feline castrations! They're a very simple procedure and I don't expect it to be anything exciting (I hope it isn't exciting...) but I'm going to go do some more preparation before early bed time. Cross your fingers for me!

It's been a good weekend. I've been helping out a local business with some friends and made a bit of money Friday night. Yesterday I did a bit of studying for our first exotics "quiz" (in quotes because its worth 25% of our grade, eek) and cleaned the house in preparation for having friends over. I had planned to have a little bonfire in the fire pit but it had been raining Friday and was overcast all day Saturday so my hopes were not high. We had food inside and then went outside to give the fire a shot. I think it took us at least half an hour to get the fire going on its own; not ideal but still good company. So after a twit we came inside and played Cards Against Humanity for a while. Everyone was out by 12:30 or so but I was still feeling pretty awake so I watched a couple episodes of Big Bang Theory on TV before going to bed.

Today I slept until 11 and it was glorious. Since I spend my autumn Sunday afternoons watching football, I knew I had to be at least semi-productive before the games started. So I got the house cleaned up from last night, did the dishes, took my laundry to the laundromat, put away my laundry and changed my sheets and towels. It feels so nice having a clean house :) I've spent the rest of the day watching football and studying - overall a satisfying weekend.

Fergus the fish is so happy in his 2.5 gallon tank - he's so much more active and his bubble nest is bigger than ever!

So much to do, so little time. My day planner (that I have faithfully reviewed like I said I would - pat on the back, self!) is crammed, color-coded and rather overwhelming. I have yet to outright forget anything, but I think that's more due to the constant fear that I will forget something that leads me to triple-check myself before walking out the door every morning than my diligent organizational efforts.

Today was our second junior surgery lab where we went through the motions of anesthetizing one of the dogs used in our teaching animal program. I volunteered to come in early (hello, darkness) to walk our dog, perform a physical exam and "SOAP" (subjective, objective, assessment and plan) our dog. I got there much earlier than everyone else and had this constant feeling of "it must not be today!" while led me to repeat to myself that today was indeed Thursday. With the way time has been flying, I really can't blame myself for not knowing what day of the week it is.

Anyway, my morning was successful. When it came time to start preparing our dog for anesthesia (injecting sedatives and placing an intravenous catheter), it began to unravel. Suffice to say that our dog, who was a hellhound for a simple blood draw, was not much improved by a heavy dose of sedative. Fortunately we managed to get her induced and everything went so smoothly after that. We even finished earlier than I had expected - woo!

After running on pretty much just adrenaline (I didn't eat until noon), I crashed pretty hard after the lab. I snoozed for a bit before the room got crowded with the lunchtime regulars and then ate my peanut butter sandwich like a zombie. Then I sat through three more hours of lecture and alternately wanted to cry and burst out giggling. I get a little drunk-like when I'm that tired. I managed to restrain myself from falling into bed directly upon arriving home and got a Diet Pepsi for caffiene into myself (which my body fought pretty hard..ergh) in order to complete the rest of our packet for the lab this morning. It is now 7:18pm local time and I'm eyeing my room. I don't even want dinner, I just want to sleep. Seeing as we haven't even gotten into the "serious" surgical labs (you know, like actual surgery), I continue to feel intimidated for the rest of the semester. But hey, I'm almost three weeks deep, and I doubted my mental fortitude to make it this far. So I'm going to keep following Dory's advice and just keep swimming...

Today is one of those days that I consider to be perfect, weather-wise: gloomy and pouring down rain. Most people don't enjoy the rain, and I admit that when I have to get up and slog through it to get to class, I don't much enjoy it either. But there's something about rain (especially in the morning/all day and on a weekend) that makes me feel cozy and productive. Double-bonus for today: it's the first week of NFL football, and there is nothing better than curling up on the couch watching football all day while the rain patters on your skylight.

I've been checking my planner daily like I said I would, and I'm actually feeling some semblence of routine starting to descend. The Lab Animal Club is starting to come together nicely: we got good survey responses on which topics would interest people most, a handful of people have already responded to the monthly contest and I'm going to meet with our club advisor on Monday morning to go over the semester and see what we can get done. Once everything starts to settle with LAC, I'll feel even less stressed about the semester as a whole.

If I look at the semester, though, it's really surgery that worries me. I've said it before (though I try not to say it to my surgery professors!): I have no interest in surgery. I recognize its importance as well as the skill and knowledge necessary, but I just don't find surgery to be particularly interesting. I guess the fact that so much of it seems to be relatively routine - spay, neuter, mass removal, fix broken things - makes me think I'd get bored with it. But the fact that I have to remember where everything is, what to cut (or what not to cut!), and doing it all in as atraumatically as possible (and finishing up with some excellent sutures) scares me. I think the best thing I can do is prepare as much as possible - know my anatomy, have my sutures down pat and fake some confidence. Essentially: control what I can to the best of my ability.

Anyway, I was not nearly as productive as I should have been yesterday, so I'm off to clean up the house a bit and probably work in some more studying (blech). Happy NFL Week 1!

I almost started this post by saying "I can't believe it's already half-way through the second week!" and then realized how many times I've mentioned my disbelief at the passage of time in my last few posts. So I deleted it to spare you all my shock and awe at a process that has been happening at the same speed since whenever it started.

It is an absolutely gorgeous day here on the island after some clouds over the weekend. I think tomorrow it's supposed to rain most of the day and cool down - hopefully the humidity decreases too because I've had to get a lighter blanket to sleep under at night and turn the fan on. It's just a matter of time before true autumn hits and it's rain all day and wind all night. I know I should go out and enjoy the day but I've got a few things on my plate that need doing and the more I crack down on myself now, the more hope I have for an organized semester (or so I hope...) Which reminds me: September's mini resolution! As I have so much to do this semester (to the detriment of my other MR ideas), I'm going to keep it simple and say I will look at my day planner EVERY DAY when I get home from class to stay on top of all that needs to be done. Shouldn't be too hard (famous last words, eh?)

On my plate today: sending out the Lab Animal Club's Lab Animal of the Month contest questions. September's questions are on the guinea pig :) It's a new thing I'm trying to keep people kind of engaged in the club between wet labs and lectures, plus it offers a prize which people always enjoy. Then I'm going to work on our assignment for next week's junior surgery lab on canine anesthesia (drugs, animal evaluations, equipment, etc). Dishes need doing and the house needs straightening (again?!, sigh) so I'll finish up with that later tonight.

To finish on a happy note, Fergus is doing quite well! I went out on Sunday and bought him a new, glass, 2.5 gallon tank to live in with a lid but no filter. The one in his 1 gallon tank was too strong and it wasn't worth paying the extra money for. So I'm going to wait until this weekend to give him time to fully de-stress for the original transplantation before moving him to his new(er), big(ger) digs. He's so happy to be out of his pet store cup, though; I came home to a big bubble nest in the corner of his tank! Not ready for a bunch of betta babies just yet, little man...

Somehow, it is now the first of September. How another week has managed to sneak past, I don't know. As I've mentioned, third year is already double the pace of the first two years and I feel myself lacking in confidence in my own ability to juggle it all. There are more classes, more tests/quizzes, more time needed even before studying starts and more responsibilities with clubs...how I'm going to manage it is also an unknown. I sat down with my planner on Thursday and wrote out every thing I need to remember to do on what day (nevermind that I haven't looked at the darn thing since...but I will!) which made me feel only slightly better. I just have to remind myself of how far I've come and how much I've already accomplished. Before starting, I had no idea how I would tackle all of the work. Before first year midterms, I wondered how I would possibly pass. But as time goes on, you just get things done. Not in a conscious way, but without noticing how much you're actually learning. And when your boss hands you six ferrets to do physical exams on over summer break, you do them without hiccup. That's what matters - getting it done.

So I think my strategy for this semester will be that of swimming in a cold pool - just jump in a get moving and don't think about the fact that you're turning blue and hypothermia is a distinct possbility and wouldn't a nice warm chair by the fire be nice? and oh yeah, there are sharks in the pool.

Because the weather has been decent lately, I've done a lot of non-school stuff, too: coffee with friends, making a little extra cash helping out a local business, fish and chips with friends up in the park and a bonfire last night at the beach. Surrounding myself with friends is one way I attempt to fight the feelings of loneliness - I really miss Danny and Ella. Coming home to a silent, dark little cottage is just depressing. So when I tagged along with friends from fish and chips to the pet store (one friend was getting some fish and shrimp to put in her fish tank), I wound up buying a betta fish for company. The set up I bought for him, however, is lacking. The tank is one gallon in size - a vast improvement over his cup on a shelf - with some nice gravel and a little fake plant. The problem is, the filter they provided has way too high of a flow rate and the little betta (his name is Fergus) ends up having to swim against the current. So I'm going to return this tank and get him either a bigger tank with the same size filter or (more probably) a similarly sized tank with no filter (which will require more frequent water changes).

Lastly and most importantly, my monthly resolution. Well, I'll tell you: I had one picked out, I really did. I was going to volunteer at a local therapeutic riding center. Problem is, I'm going to be way, way too busy this semester. So I'm a bit stumped right now, per usual. Hopefully I think of something soon..