So with the new year just around the corner, I've begun to brood on my resolutions. Last year, I did "mini-resolutions" where I made a new resolution each month in an effort to get more accomplished and stave off the doldrums that are early February and onward by changing it up too frequently to lose momentum. All went well until school kicked in (and kicked my butt) and so I got probably only eight or nine months of solid resolutions in.

The thing is, I didn't stick to them very well after the month was done. What's the point of a resolution that you accomplish and then abandon later? It's made me feel both as though I can accomplish just about anything I put my mind to and as though I'm just wanting to check things off of a list to prove to myself I could do it. Which is pretty worthless in the long run.

I still need to decide if I'm going to go back to the mini-resolutions format or try to just live my life and improve it as best I can. There are definitely things I want to accomplish in life (running again, photography, volunteering, etc) but not much is exactly feasible during vet school. So we'll see.

Happy Boxing Day!

I had a great holiday with my family and Danny. I took charge of Christmas Eve dinner (my dad did help with the turkey), and we had my sister, aunt and uncle over for dinner and some gift exchange. They stayed late and I was too tired to wrap Danny's Christmas present - whoops. Fortunately, he was off to church with my mom the next morning, so instead of sleeping in, I got up and wrapped his gift (Caps tickets) and helped my dad get breakfast together. When they got home from church, Danny made french toast and my sister and her boyfriend (and my dog-niece) came over for breakfast. We carried our mimosas over to the family room and went through all of the presents. Even though we'd decided on a specific budget for gifts, there were tons of them. My sister and I were given the task of completing a gingerbread house that my aunt had brought over the night before - some friend had given it to her, and she didn't want to decorate it, so she gave it to us. Well the friend asked my aunt to send her a picture - eek! So my sister and I got it done and it looks great ;) It took a bit longer than we'd planned, though, and Danny and I had to scramble to get ready to head out to dinner at the place he stays with their family. We got a couple of gifts from them (and ate some of the best reindeer-shaped cookies ever) and headed home where we busted out my season 1 DVD of Vikings. It was a great day :)

Another beautiful Christmas behind me, another new year to look forward to. Usually the time between Christmas and New Year's feels sad and lonely to me: my mom and Danny go back to work (no rest for the weary!) and even though we keep the tree and mantle lit up, it's just not the same. This year, though, I'm determined to enjoy every ounce of my winter break and I think keeping busy will help me not feel like these days just go by in a boring blur. Even if that means I start working on my rotations schedule for next year!

Today, I went to visit my supervisor from work who's in the hospital with a nasty post-op infection. She is like a favorite aunt to me and was one of the people who kept pushing me toward my goal of vet med even when I had lost confidence in myself. While we were chatting today, she told me that because she never had kids, she considered the students that came through work (like me) to be like her kids, and she wants us all to succeed so badly, especially because she thought she wasn't smart enough to be a vet. She told me how proud she was of me (overcoming my measly 2.97 GPA to get in to vet school and now doing really well); she introduced me to all of her doctors and nurses that stopped by as "her friend, Dr. [mylastname]." And yeah, I'm not a doctor yet (and I didn't pretend to be), but I knew she called me that out of pride; I can't even describe how that makes me feel.

I'm so lucky to have such amazing people in my life. My husband never complains about me being 1200 miles away, in another country, for four years while he saves money to buy us a house. My family takes me even every school break and puts up with my worldly possessions in their basement. My friends and co-workers invite me to spend time with them as soon as I'm home, and are always so happy to see me. I hate that I'm still in school, so far away, which makes me the selfish friend. But I am so, so fortunate to have such great people around me and I hope I never take them for granted.

At long last: winter break!

I spent (probably too much) of Wednesday cleaning the house and packing up my stuff. My last final was Thursday morning and I left for home immediately after I finished. I made good time to Portland, Maine, had a delicious dinner of Chipotle and watched Duck Dynasty and Thursday Night Football before going to bed. I made it home the next day (Friday) around 5pm and was reunited with my amazing husband and wonderful family.

Since then, I've still managed to be busy somehow! Saturday night Danny and I made an appearance and two parties (one of which netted me a crocheted scarf hand-made by my friend - awesome). Sunday we slept in late and ran some errands. On Monday, my parents, my sister and I met up at a pottery shop and did our annual Christmas ornament painting followed by lunch. Then my sister and I went out and did girly stuff like get a pedicure (which I almost never do!) and I got to see her new apartment and my dog-niece, Trudy. Every time I spend any amount of time with a dog, it makes me miss Ella but I know that I'm not really at a good time in my life for another dog right now. Danny says whenever I start residency we'll get one, so that's something to look forward to I think.

We went out ice-skating with friends last night and I did a bit of wrapping today - just little things here and there that I'm getting done. I have a bit more "serious" stuff to do (rotations and such) but I think I'm going to wait until after Christmas when I really have nothing else to do. I'd like our grades to be posted - I think I would have managed straight As except for my optho/neuro class, but we'll just have to wait and see.

My last final of the semester is tomorrow. Afterwards, I'm getting into my car and heading home! I always stop in Portland, Maine overnight to break up the drive (and also because there is a Chipotle there for dinner...) but it'll still be nice to be back in the States :) I still have quite a bit to do today - mainly cleaning up the house but also running a couple errands in town and, of course, studying for this last one.

I'll try to post a few times while I'm home, but I usually end up really busy with visiting friends/co-workers, doing my Christmas shopping, hanging out with my family and Danny and just unplugging my brain for a while. Can't wait!

Switched up the template of my blog because it no longer looks remotely summery outside. We got hit with probably 4-6" of snow all day yesterday - it was like a blizzard out where I am, could barely even see the road (~20yd from the house) from my window! There was a final exam for a class that I dropped, but school was closed and exams were re-scheduled.

Even though I spend a good deal of time at home on weekends normally, I was definitely feeling the cabin fever by last night and was glad to get out of the house this morning for my food animal medicine exam. After the exam I sat around with some friends for an hour and at 11:30 we went over the campus chaplaincy center and got free lunch! They had chili, pasta, rolls, hot dogs and baked potato - delicious. Full on free food, I came home and have been doing pretty much nothing ever since. Oops.

I have four finals left to take and in exactly one week, I will be headed home. I need to clean the house desperately (do I say that every post? I think I do...) and get some "administrative" odds and ends done, as well as continue to study. Fortunately, the hardest exams are done with so let's hope I don't lose my motivation.

Since last posting, I've taken three of my eight finals (five of ten if you count exotics and radiology that we finished earlier in the semester). This morning was my most difficult one (neurology), and probably one of the most difficult exams I've had to study for in the history of my academic career. I enjoy the material, and it makes sense if you apply all of the right principles. But there is so much to memorize and understand and no two animals are identical. It's tough to determine if something is normal or abnormal many times because of normal variation...but knowing normal versus abnormal is critical to localizing where the heck the problem is! Blech.

So with the most difficult exam over and my next one not until Thursday morning, I'm giving myself the day to "relax" (read: not study). I have a handful of other things to accomplish (like cleaning the house - it's ridiculous how messy it is right now) and I figured what better time than now when I don't want to cram anything else into my brain for at least a little while but still need to be productive. I'm also going to submit transcript requests for the rotations I'm applying to and maybe do some rotation planning. Or I might lie on the couch and stare at the ceiling for hours on end, who knows ;)

Until three years ago, every Thanksgiving dinner I'd ever had was in the same house (ours). My parents are both big cooks, but my dad is the true chef of the family. My parents would start preparing things a week in advance and would wake up really early on Thanksgiving day to get the turkey in the oven. My sister and I would be woken up not long after to help: chopping vegetables, cleaning the house, putting together a fun centerpiece from whatever we could find in the yard...you name it, we did it. My aunt, uncle and grandparents would come over in the early afternoon and we would have an early dinner before settling on the couch to watch football.

When I came up to vet school, I wasn't able to see my family for thanksgiving...I wasn't even given the day off of school. Every thanksgiving up here has been depressing for me as I imagine my family doing all the things they do every year. I'm planning to be home by thanksgiving next year by planning my rotations appropriately.

Speaking of rotations, I've got one scheduled, one likely and am getting my application together for two more. We got our core rotation blocks today, but I'm going to need to reschedule like, all of them, haha. I can't believe that in a year, I'll be taking the NAVLE and already be half-way through fourth year. Crazy how time flies!

This weekend is the last one before finals begin. Part of my brain knows that I should be studying neurology, because holy terrifying, Batman!, but the other part demands that I remain in my fuzzy socks and bathrobe, eat candy, read other blogs, read free stuff from iTunes...anything but study! As it's snowing outside and I feel cozy and warm inside, the second half of my brain is winning out currently.

As a compromise, I decided to do a bit of cleaning (it's amazing how quickly the house returns to chaos...entropy wins again!) and to write another letter of intent for another external rotation. Fortunately, this only required a letter and my resume, so after polishing up the latter and whipping up the former, I sent them off. I had received a positive email from another potential rotation site earlier this week, so I feel as though my ducks are starting to stumble toward something of a row formation. It's pretty scary but also exciting; I can't wait to be done with school and start living a real life. The idea of actually starting to work as a vet and having my own place with my husband and not having to put everything on hold is fantastic, but almost seems too good to be true. It's like an oasis in the desert - I want it to be there, I need it to be there, but when I see it, it seems impossible to reach.

I imagine time will just continue to slip by and before I know it, I'll be there. One foot in front of the other.

I realized today that I have about 18 months left of vet school. This simultaneously feels like forever and the blink of an eye. How long did four years seem when I had first moved up here, had no friends and was missing my loved ones and everything wonderful about the good ol' USA? It seemed like a desert stretching out before me - a desert devoid of Chipotle and cheap milk and gas pumps that lock into place. I think I've adapted pretty well to Canadian living overall, but there is nothing like going home. Heading home for a break feels like a weight is lifted off of my chest. I get to the point where I feel as though I literally cannot wait another second to hit the road. Now that finals are fast approaching, my mind is turned toward home like a racehorse peeling around that last turn: no pulling it up, no slowing it down, just go go go. It's all I can do to stay on the horse these last few weeks; it's certainly an exercise in mental fortitude!

Anyway, of the remaining 18 months, 12 of those are fourth year rotations. I'm fortunate in that I know what I want to do with myself when I graduate (while I have come to understand that life will do as it pleases, I'm still a big planner) so choosing which rotations isn't very difficult. It seems the hardest parts are a) deciding when to schedule what and b) preparing my application for my externals.

I began working toward vet school in earnest my sophomore year in high school. I had heard from a family friend that experience was an important thing for applications, so I rode around with an equine ambulatory vet for the summer. From that point on, I was focused on making myself a good applicant. I screwed up in the grades category, but I busted my butt to get experience, do well on the GRE, get letters of recommendation and be involved in the community. It paid off in the end - here I sit, a third year vet student. Beginning of first year, professors and administration kept telling us, "Grades don't matter anymore! Relax, you're in!" And I let myself believe that in first year. But that first summer, I was rejected from a research program at NIH - experience I wanted because I wanted to do lab animal - and it hit me like a ton of bricks: it's still a competition. You will always have to fight someone else for what you want in this world, and the better you can make yourself, the better chance you have of being the winner of that fight. External rotations (at least the ones that I want) require an application - a resume, a cover letter, transcripts, letters of recommendation. It's almost like vet school all over again, and I let myself feel discouraged. I'm tired of having to structure my life around impressing other people. Yeah, I want to be good at what I do, but I want to do it for myself and for my family, not some panel of people who will decide whether I'm good enough to work at their facility for a few weeks. (As an aside: I get it, I really do. But it still frustrates me.)

So I put off writing those cover letters. Saturday, I sat down and I made myself write my first one, for the Baltimore Aquarium back home. And you know what? It felt good to get it done, because I knew I was one step closer to my goal and to my freedom from school. In the end, all of this work that seems like it's for other people is really for me. Those people will come and go - some may reject my application for an externship or a residency or whatever - but my career will always be mine. And I'm going to make it good from the start.

I woke up this morning and almost instantly, I was overwhelmed with the need to think about Christmas. Gift brainstorming, craft ideas, menu planning, the smells of my family's house and the cozy feeling of being warm inside wrapping or cooking while the world outside smells like snow. The holiday bug snuck up and bit me badly (probably from doing some crafting with friends for a fundraiser).

Christmas is my favorite holiday, but not because I get stuff. It's because I get to give people stuff that I think they'd like, I get to wrap that stuff in pretty wrapping paper, I get to decorate the house and cook delicious food with my dad and hang out with my family. I love the decorations and the music and the feeling that descends just after (American) Thanksgiving. Now that I'm married, I've told Danny that we will have to think up some good holiday traditions for our family (he rolled his eyes but he's secretly excited, I'm sure of it ;) This year I was thinking of making our own Christmas cards, or maybe making a couple of ornaments to pass out to friends and family. So of course I went to Pinterest, where so many astoundingly craft people post their glorious creations and insinuate that you, too, can make this exquisite decoration or ornament or pie or whatever. (There should be a website dedicated to all of the Pinterest fails that must be born every day.) I'm not the most creative crafter, but I've found that most of the time I can follow a simple, step-by-step (hello, INTJ personality shining through) tutorial. So this year I'm going to attempt a Christmas ornament wreath that I found here. Looks simple enough, right? We'll see...

Edit: http://www.pinterestfail.com/ Bahahaha.

Just when midterms end and a wonderful break comes up, I fall off the face of the blogosphere (I've always wanted to use that word.) Oops.

Since last updating:

Midterm grades were given back. I'm doing better than ever before, despite my even further condensed study time. I have mixed feelings about this (mostly feeling guilty that so little work nets such positive results while some classmates struggle) but overall, I'm not going to complain. Hopefully I can make the Dean's List again next year! Finals are in just two weeks, though, and I know the time between then and now is going to absolutely fly by. But that's good in a way - I''ll be that much closer to heading home for three weeks of break.

Veteran's Day/Remembrance Day came and I met up with my husband in Portland, Maine. We've met up there many times before (mostly because it's the half-way point between us) and always have a nice time. This visit was just as nice but we did a lot less - probably because I was ready to just watch football and vegetate after weeks of midterms. I did manage to do a bit of Christmas shopping while there, which should ease the rush when I get home.

Surgery continues to be my least favorite class, although I think we've all pretty much hit our stride. Last week we spayed a pregnant dog (six puppies) and this week spayed a 70lb Shepherd mix that wanted nothing to do with being handled. I'm so thankful we're essentially done with her - whew. I cannot wait until the class is over next week, even if it is our first final exam on (American) Thanksgiving. I can't decide if I want to do traditional dinner, but the majority of people I spend time with most frequently are Canadian and I don't know if they'd want to come. I don't even know that I'll have the energy to cook, anyway!

I've been relaxing as much as possible this week, but I really, really need to start getting materials together for my external rotations. I can't believe the NAVLE (North American Veterinary Licensing Exam) is only a year away! I can't believe that applying for residencies is less than a year away! I'm excited but nervous - I think if I can nail down these externships, I'll feel a lot better.

This morning was the last (big) hurdle of the semester for me aside from finals - discharging my second and final surgery patient. No more alarms going off in the dark, no more driving in to school with no one else on the road, no more wrangling dogs to get temperatures and heart rates when all I really want to do is sleep. It also means no more gorgeous PEI sunrises or wildlife sightings (Saturday morning I peeked out the window to see if it was raining and saw a skunk about a foot off the porch in my front yard! So thankful I didn't whip the door open and head on my merry way!) but I think I'll manage.

Both of my surgeries were successful and both dogs healed well. My suturing skills sky-rocketed almost immediately - probably because really live tissues are a lot easier to handle/suture than dead or fake stuff - and I felt a lot more confident in my own abilities the second time around. I got pretty nice reviews from the supervising surgeons (although I'm pretty sure they were relatively generic comments that probably most people got). There are still three more live labs left in the semester (one of which I'm anesthetist for, requiring another early morning and responsibility for a patient life) so I can't relax just yet, but I feel like the hardest part of the class is now over. Whew.

Our last midterm (#13, I believe - food animal) is tomorrow and then two glorious weeks of no exams and relatively little committment. I'm headed to Portland for the long weekend (Veteran's/Remebrance Day) to meet up with Danny, which should put me in a perfect mindset to finish out the semester strong. We have four weeks of classes left and two weeks of finals and then I can head home for three weeks of what can only be a wonderfully relieving Christmas break. Six weeks seems like a decent chunk of time, but with the way seems to get away from me up here, it won't seem like much.

So I survived one of the worst weeks of the semester on my schedule, which calls for a celebratory post.

I decided to think of this week like a drawn-out hurdles race. There were four major hurdles to overcome: radiology final exam on Monday, drawing blood on our surgery patient on Tuesday, equine exam Wednesday and surgery on Thursday. Identifying the big obstacles instead of focusing on every little detail that might have been stressful was a helpful strategy.

The exams both went really well. The surgery dog was/is a challenge.

There are probably confidentiality rules in place that say I shouldn't give out too much detail, but suffice to say he's a young, large, hyperactive, anxious and fearful beast. He has been next to impossible to restrain without him freaking out (four people holding him and still no rectal temperature possible!), a combination of fear and just not used to it (he came in as a stray). He has this cagey look about him that immediate set off my distrusting antennae. Anyway, I successfully castrated him yesterday with minimal issues and he has been (knock on wood) recovering well.

As a side note, I think the reason I never wanted to write much about my spay (or post on Facebook like my fellow surgeon classmates have) is that I'm afraid to jinx their recovery. Yeah, they're through the hard part (surgery and anesthesia), but there are still complications that can arise - their incision site can bleed or get infected or be chewed on, they can chew their cone into pieces, etc. Until I discharge that dog, I'm going to worry about him in some form or another.

I came in to check on him this morning and he has been a lot more friendly with me than before - he still has his slightly sketchy moments but overall he is improved. It's going to be a long weekend going in to SOAP him every morning by 8:30am but discharging him and one last midterm exam are the last two things in the way of two weeks of glorious, blissful, unimaginable freedom before finals start. Another bit of happy news is that he is already spoken for by one of the shelter volunteers, so I know he'll be going to a good home when he's done with his ordeal here :)

At long last, I have a post that is upbeat and not directly to do with school - woohoo!

One of the popular fall activities for vet students around here is "lambing" - you and a friend go to a local sheep producer's farm and stay overnight, helping the mama sheep that are due to give birth. I've wanted to go since I've been up here, but loving and needing sleep the way I do, I didn't want to go on a weeknight, get zero sleep and hop off to school the next day. When one of my friends asked if I wanted to go with her on Friday night, I jumped at the chance as I could come home and sleep afterwards!

We met at the farm around 7 that evening. The farmer and his wife - both really sweet, friendly people - gave us a quick run-down and then went off to their dinner. My friends and I (one other joined us) settled into the tiny little shack set up in the barn - heated with a TV and a U-shaped platform that we could lie down on. We got out a board game and ate our dinner. Then we made the rounds of the sheep (six pens with probably twenty or so sheep per pen). The evening progressed that way for a few hours. Around 3am, the first bag dropped and the three of us climbed into the pen to see if we could help.

Most sheep have twins or even triplets; surprisingly, most of them don't need a whole lot of help in the process. Unfortuantely, almost every lamb that night presented incorrectly! There were backwards babies, upside-down babies and babies trying to be born at the same time - ack. The first lamb I pulled had both its back legs pushed out behind it, instead of pointed outward like a little diver; I was able to get it positioned correctly pretty quickly, but it was still-born (likely not my fault, but still sad). The rest of the lambs survived their improper positioning ordeals, though we didn't get any sleep (literally!) all night.

It was a really fun and informative time for me. I always find that hands-on stuff works well for cementing things into my brain, and I really enjoyed getting the chance to reposition a couple of babies and help out their poor mamas. I was so thankful that I had two experienced friends with me to help with some of the trickier positioned lambs. I was also thankful that I had some previous sheep wrangling experience so I could help by holding the sheep that were giving birth and needed the help. All in all an exhausting but awesome night.

This next week is going to be hell week for me - radiology final on Monday, equine midterm on Wednesday and a surgery patient coming Monday afternoon. The good news is that after this week, it's all down-hill coasting until the end of the semester! If I can hang on this week, I can make it.

Not to sound melodramatic, but I'm at a bit of a cross-roads with this blog. The way the semester has been going, I feel drained, pessimistic, down-trodden, stressed, overwhelmed and rather apathetic at times. While the blog is mine and I have no obligation to keep things light-hearted and jovial at all times, I imagine that reading about how bummed I'm feeling post after post gets boring at best and irritating at worst. Watching the pageviews climb, I know that people do read my blog, and I guess I feel a sense of responsibility to those people to make the content at least something they want to come and read about. Right now, I envision people clicking on the blog, seeing my four hundred and thirty-fifth post about how stressed/etc I am right now, rolling their eyes and leaving.

But then I think of the blogs that I read, and that what makes them so compelling is that I feel like I can connect with the writer on some level. I don't care if they only ever post about one thing - if they can make it relevant and interesting, funny or emotional, I'm drawn to it and I don't ever feel like it was a waste of time to read.

So I went on the hunt through Google, searching "sample blog topics." What I came to discover was that "blogs" are seen mostly as a business-related thing, not as personal as I imagine them to be. "How I use Social Media!" or "Do It Yourself Projects!" are all well and good, but they are certainly not me. So I altered my search to "sample journal topics" and bam - I started to find the results I had been looking for! And then one of the prompts was "If you were a doctor, what kind of doctor would you be? (Veterinarian, children's doctor, etc)" and I abruptly lost interest because all my blog has really been about is about becoming a veterinarian and we all know how beaten to death that topic is right about now. So I got to thinking about what I would do if I weren't becoming a veterinarian and that was just depressing (buying a house, celebrating Thanksgiving with my family, starting a family, etc). Headed back in the wrong direction!

So I guess all I can do for now is continue along my merry way with this blog. I promise to try not to complain too much (some complaining will be inevitable...) and to include as much as I can about what I'm actually doing with my time. If I can make the effort to focus more on the events than the negativity I'm feeling, maybe I can feel less guilty about the quality of my posts.

The weekend is here at last. A shred of breathing room with no responsibilities - no surgery dog to check on three times a day, no exam on Monday (one on Tuesday, but that's one whole extra day!), no pressing errands to run. It's a wonderful feeling that has become so foreign this semester. I spent last night curled up under a blanket on the couch watching movies and worthless TV shows. I slept in this morning, read for a bit (I'm reading H.G Wells' Time Machine. While not usually one for "the classics", I've been enjoying this one), took another chunk out of the house cleaning that needs to be done and talked to Danny and my sister. It's a beautiful sunny autumn morning (er, afternoon) out there, and I think I'll go for a walk in the woods a bit later to clear my mind.

If I've learned anything in vet school, it's the importance of knowing yourself and your boundaries, achieving balance. Sure, we've all had to push ourselves farther than we ever have before - than we ever thought possible, probably - but even when you're stretching yourself to your limit to do your best, there is always a breaking point. I think of breaking points kind of like electric fencing in livestock pastures. When you go into that pasture, you're aware of where that hot wire is at all times. When you're further away from it, you aren't as concerned because eh, you have plenty of room. But when you're closer to it, you become acutely aware of just how far away you are, keeping one eye over your shoulder to prevent yourself from getting zapped. And this semester, instead of being out in the middle of the pasture, I'm up closer to the edges and I can almost feel my hair standing on end with anticipation.

So when I get a shadow of breathing room - like this weekend - it's like being able to move back to the center of the pasture, well away from the fence line. It's important to take those opportunities when they present themselves; no use in being stoic or you'll burn out.

I keep meaning to write a blog post about certain topics (my first surgery, my visit with my husband, something hipster about my personality test findings, a monthly resolution) but when I get home, I feel like I don't have a second to spare to write something so trivial as a post about what has already come and gone and doesn't require furious preparation.

My life has never been so hectic, so jam-packed with stuff. When I first got here, I thought to myself: man, vet school makes undergrad look like a piece of cake! And second year was tougher, but third year is like: man, third year makes first and second year combined look like a piece of cake! Funny how that works, huh?

If the only thing we had to worry about were more frequenty exams, I think I'd still be able to handle it. I thought I was bad with cramming the week of the exam last year. This year, I cram the night before the exam only. I feel as though I'm living on the edge of a dangerous precipice and that one day, I'll just say you know what, I'm not even going to study! (Not really. I can't imagine myself ever becoming that desperate. Yet.) Somehow my grades manage to get better, which is a wonderfully bad self-encouraging cycle for cramming.

But it isn't just exam after exam after exam. It's the quizzes, assignments, preparation for labs, SURGERY LAB (in caps because it's really that much worse) that make it all nearly unbearable. It's to the point that my brain will no longer allow my body to sleep in. Even when I've triple-checked my alarm for the next morning, even when I don't even have to be in that early, I'm instantly awake in the pre-dawn darkness wondering if it's time to get up. (And if you're telling yourself bah, I could never do that! I love to sleep in! Well so do I - I don't consider my weekend taken advantage of if I don't sleep past 11am.)

Surgery lab has eclipsed any other class by a long shot. It's like Secretariat consuming the measly competition in the amazing Youtube clips of his Triple Crown runs: unrelenting. Terrifying. Amazing. I spayed my first dog, a little Shih Tzu, last Thursday. Today, I was in charge of anesthetizing our cat to be spayed. I'm fortunate in that I've done a lot of the clinical stuff already, but it's still nerve-wracking in that particular environment when you see the clinician writing something on your grading sheet out of the corner of your eye. Not only are you in charge of the patient's life, you'd better be good at being in charge of it. And because I care about being good at it, I spend a lot of time preparing for the labs which is another time sink. And so it is that I have an exam tomorrow after lunch and I quite literally have not looked at my notes at all. Sigh.

So I'd better head off and get to peeking at them. I have so much more to share, so I guess you'll have to stay tuned!

"Don't say that you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteu, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson and Albert Einstein." -- H. Jackson Brown.

That quote always puts life into perspective for me. It's so easy to feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of information we have to learn, the endless list of things to do. I think that third year thus far has been the busiest I've been...ever - even more than the first two years, or wedding planning, or moving up to Canada for the first time. Even so, we all find a way to make it work.

This past week was probably the busiest of the semester (so far, at least). Diagnostic imaging exam, blood drawn for rabies titer, awards ceremony night, exotics final, surgery lab and all of its trimmings and equine health exam. I came home yesterday afternoon and just read my book for hours on end, nary a thought to productivity. We have a paper due and an exam (opthamology and some neuro) both on Tuesday, which I need to work on this weekend and I'm surgeon for our first live surgery lab this week. Danny gets into town Friday afternoon, though, for the long (Canadian) Thanksgiving weekend. Unfortunately I'm due in to school every day before 8am to get our patient's paperwork filled out (including the weekend and holiday) but as I've come to tell myself: it is what it is, no use fretting about it. I think I will be so happy to see Danny for a few days that I won't care anyway.

The day I graduate vet school, I will have completed my very first marathon.

No, not the 26.2 mile deal, but a marathon none the less. Because all I can really compare it to is running. I spent last fall pushing myself through the woods on an almost-daily basis. When I began, I could barely run for a few minutes; by the end, I was loving every last second of it. (Running is a million times more enjoyable than vet school ever will be, but I digress...) The point is, learning to conquer what you once thought was impossible is not about the physical strength or endurance, but about your brain. Willpower is what endurance - either physical or mental - is all about. I would tell myself to just jog to that one log, or over the next hill, around the next turn and then I could stop. But I can be stubborn. Once I got there I though well hell, why not just run to the bridge or the fork before you stop? And before I knew it I was cranking out miles. Just like I've cranked out the miles of knowledge (or maybe just regurgitated memorized tidbits) so far.

While running, there were times when I was convinced I could not go another step. I've been feeling that way about school lately. But I just force myself to keep going that last little bit...and then a little more. Step by agonizing step, I'm going to make it through ten classes and surgery and case presentations and scheduling rotations and exams and keeping up with my friends back home and remembering to go to the grocery store. The trick is not to look up and see how much trail I have left in front of me.

On the drive home from school today, I gave myself a bit of a talking-to. Essentially: control the factors you are able to control to the best of your ability and forget everything else.

I like to set goals for myself, to plan ahead instead of just letting life sweep me along. But if there's any lesson we all know too well it is that life doesn't always unfold the way you expect it to, regardless of the amount of planning you put into it. Never in a million years did I expect to be in vet school in Canada. But you can't flounce and stress about everything that isn't carefully aligned with your plans - you've got to roll with the punches sometimes. So the last two years I've been doing just that, with moderate successes along the way.

After spending the week feeling bummed out and angsty, today managed to swing in the upward direction. I got to declaw a cadaver cat, did well on my first shot at a tricky tendon suturing pattern and got a skill signed off in my sugery skills booklet (sterile draping). And yeah, my lunch break was only about 10 minutes because our group was in charge of cleaning up the lab space after everyone left. And yeah, I didn't get to go to the lunch lecture on camelids that I wanted to go to. And yeah, I had to sit through three more hours of class. Yesterday those little losses would have dragged me down even further. But today I chose to look on the bright side and that made a difference. Interestingly enough, I feel a tiny flame of motivation to study for our rabbit quiz tomorrow.

Maybe counting the good things every day is what I need for a little while. I've also thought of googling meditation and trying to work a little of that into my routine every night, or yoga or something. If doing mini-resolutions has taught me anything, it's that I can change myself for the better with just a little effort.

Yesterday, I took an exam that I didn't feel very good about. Yesterday, I looked at my calendar as I do every day and all I could see was a gaping chasm of work and stress and tiredness. Yesterday, I felt many things, dejected being up there at the top.

Last night, I watched Monday Night Football with the space heater on, browsing half-heartedly through my exotics notes and allowing myself to be distracted by other things. Among those things was a website for women back home. Guest bloggers talked about all the sorts of things that they do - health, exercise, home decor, families, recipes, marriage. And as I sat reading about these blogger women, I felt simultaneously revolted and jealous. I've chosen a path in which my career is nearly equal to my relationship in importance and the idea of basing my self-worth on the fact that I'm married and lifted some dumbells and whipped up a quick (yet healthy and cost-effective) dinner and served it on my dinner table with perfect autumn decor is horrifying. And yet I have always, always been envious of the women out there who do it all - have a career, raise their children, stay healthy, cook, clean and keep their homes looking like catalogues. I always swear to Danny that I will be That Wife.

I didn't go to any of their blogs (I wouldn't be able to live down the dirty dishes in my sink, the unfolded blanket on the couch, etc) but as I crawled into bed last night, my thoughts kept returning to my own blog. All I managed yesterday was a couple of paragraphs whining about how stressed I am. What in blazes is the point of even writing something like that? To procrastinate studying for my quiz? To make other people feel sorry for me? Excuse my language, but eff that. It's time for a kick in the pants. The self-pity and the wallowing need to stop if I'm going to manage to get anything accomplished this semester. But that requires a plan and right now the only plan I have is to make a plan.

So it's off to the drawing board of life for me. To figure out how to motivate myself - or at least prevent myself from wasting too much time so that all that will be left to do is work, anyway - to figure out how to feel more organized (though my planner really does help), and to find a way to keep my head in the game. Because every time my head isn't in the game (which seems like all of the time lately), I end up feeling miserable.

Stay tuned.

Midterm season began officially today with a food animal exam. Unfortunately, I lacked sufficient motivation to study very well for it and as a result did not feel remotely confident with my performance. Depsite being multiple choice, which you would expect to not be so bad, I struggled. I think I had every question narrowed down to two choices, both of which I could justify to myself as being correct (meaning I couldn't remember enough nitty-gritty detail to pick one. Argh.)

We have a quiz on rectal palpation in the mare due before Wednesday, a rabbit quiz on Friday and three more exams (radiology, exotics and equine health) next week. Thank goodness there's no live surgery lab this week, or I'd be hooking myself up to an IV infusion of caffeine. The week after that is another quiz, a paper, an opthamology exam and all the trimmings of a live surgery lab on Thursday...in which I will be the surgeon. Ack.

So suffice to say I'm feeling just a touch overwhelmed right about now. I'm forseeing some busy nights in the near future...

My alarm went off at 5:45am this morning. It was still dark out. I had enough of my mental faculties to make a cup of tea and head out the door, thankfully not forgetting anything. I ate my breakfast (granola bars) in the school cafeteria under too-bright fluorescent lighting as the sun rose. After changing into scrubs and lab coat, with all of the accountrements of junior surgery dangling off of me or sticking out of pockets, we began our first live surgery lab.

I was the one to place the catheter (perfectly, on the first stick) and the endo-tracheal tube (my first time - also on the first try). We went through essentially the same questions we had to answer last week, while the animal was under general anesthesia. Then the surgeon came by and a groupmate and I each took care of a testicle.

For all that I worried, I was fine. I admit, previous experience placing IV catheters in cats helped me get that textbook placement today. But the intubation and castration parts were brand new and I'm so pleased with how I handled it. It gave me a good deal of confidence in my abilities and I think it finally helped me to not feel so darn panicked about the class as a whole. Just like yesterday, where I had a good case presentation (after collecting most of the data with my group but without a clinician present), I got this little tingle of excitement: I'm going to be a vet. And no, I don't intend to be in private practice, sterilizing puppies and kittens five days a week, but darn if it doesn't feel good to know that I can do it.

I will now go force-caffienate myself to get my assignment finished for tomorrow. Not a big fan of the "due the next day" business but it is what it is. 

Yesterday was an "I hate everything" kind of day. Our group was having so much trouble getting blood from our cat (in for elective castration tomorrow) - we're all experienced so it wasn't a case of just not quite having a grasp on the technique - and that sent me into a spiral of frustration and grumpiness. It wasn't reasonable and I knew I should let it go, but I let it linger and it made me cranky.

Today was so much better. The only bummer was that I had to give up my extra sleep-in hour that we get while fourth years present for clinical conference to meet my group and a medicine technician to get blood from our cat. The medicine tech was able to get blood first try and I felt so much better with that off of our collective plate. We submitted it to diagnostics and went up to class. The rest of the morning was fine. After lunch, we had medical exercises lab in large animal. We began by practicing our wound cleaning and suturing on equine cadaver legs. It was so much easier to work with than the foam tubes they gave us in our principles of surgery class! My vertical mattress pattern turned out alright but my simple interrupteds were awesome! I wanted to finish closing the "wound" but we ran out of time. We went over to the teaching hospital barn for case presentations.

When I was younger, "public speaking" made me so nervous. But there came a point in my life where I realized it's better to not be nervous (fake it til you make it applies quite well, I find) and I just...stopped being nervous. So I volunteered to present the case today - a Standardbred racing gelding with laryngeal hemiplasia. Like the horse that came in with botulism last year, this case was great timing as we've been talking about equine respiratory stuff for the past week or two. As the condition itself is pretty straight forward (one side of the airway is obstructed by tissue that doesn't lift out of the way like it's supposed to), it was a really nice, uncomplicated case to present. I was actually kind of sad that I don't have to present anymore for the class because going through the motions gave me one of those validating tingles. And that more than makes up for yesterday's frustrations.

Speaking of faking it til you make it, tomorrow is our first live surgery - feline castrations! They're a very simple procedure and I don't expect it to be anything exciting (I hope it isn't exciting...) but I'm going to go do some more preparation before early bed time. Cross your fingers for me!

It's been a good weekend. I've been helping out a local business with some friends and made a bit of money Friday night. Yesterday I did a bit of studying for our first exotics "quiz" (in quotes because its worth 25% of our grade, eek) and cleaned the house in preparation for having friends over. I had planned to have a little bonfire in the fire pit but it had been raining Friday and was overcast all day Saturday so my hopes were not high. We had food inside and then went outside to give the fire a shot. I think it took us at least half an hour to get the fire going on its own; not ideal but still good company. So after a twit we came inside and played Cards Against Humanity for a while. Everyone was out by 12:30 or so but I was still feeling pretty awake so I watched a couple episodes of Big Bang Theory on TV before going to bed.

Today I slept until 11 and it was glorious. Since I spend my autumn Sunday afternoons watching football, I knew I had to be at least semi-productive before the games started. So I got the house cleaned up from last night, did the dishes, took my laundry to the laundromat, put away my laundry and changed my sheets and towels. It feels so nice having a clean house :) I've spent the rest of the day watching football and studying - overall a satisfying weekend.

Fergus the fish is so happy in his 2.5 gallon tank - he's so much more active and his bubble nest is bigger than ever!

So much to do, so little time. My day planner (that I have faithfully reviewed like I said I would - pat on the back, self!) is crammed, color-coded and rather overwhelming. I have yet to outright forget anything, but I think that's more due to the constant fear that I will forget something that leads me to triple-check myself before walking out the door every morning than my diligent organizational efforts.

Today was our second junior surgery lab where we went through the motions of anesthetizing one of the dogs used in our teaching animal program. I volunteered to come in early (hello, darkness) to walk our dog, perform a physical exam and "SOAP" (subjective, objective, assessment and plan) our dog. I got there much earlier than everyone else and had this constant feeling of "it must not be today!" while led me to repeat to myself that today was indeed Thursday. With the way time has been flying, I really can't blame myself for not knowing what day of the week it is.

Anyway, my morning was successful. When it came time to start preparing our dog for anesthesia (injecting sedatives and placing an intravenous catheter), it began to unravel. Suffice to say that our dog, who was a hellhound for a simple blood draw, was not much improved by a heavy dose of sedative. Fortunately we managed to get her induced and everything went so smoothly after that. We even finished earlier than I had expected - woo!

After running on pretty much just adrenaline (I didn't eat until noon), I crashed pretty hard after the lab. I snoozed for a bit before the room got crowded with the lunchtime regulars and then ate my peanut butter sandwich like a zombie. Then I sat through three more hours of lecture and alternately wanted to cry and burst out giggling. I get a little drunk-like when I'm that tired. I managed to restrain myself from falling into bed directly upon arriving home and got a Diet Pepsi for caffiene into myself (which my body fought pretty hard..ergh) in order to complete the rest of our packet for the lab this morning. It is now 7:18pm local time and I'm eyeing my room. I don't even want dinner, I just want to sleep. Seeing as we haven't even gotten into the "serious" surgical labs (you know, like actual surgery), I continue to feel intimidated for the rest of the semester. But hey, I'm almost three weeks deep, and I doubted my mental fortitude to make it this far. So I'm going to keep following Dory's advice and just keep swimming...

Today is one of those days that I consider to be perfect, weather-wise: gloomy and pouring down rain. Most people don't enjoy the rain, and I admit that when I have to get up and slog through it to get to class, I don't much enjoy it either. But there's something about rain (especially in the morning/all day and on a weekend) that makes me feel cozy and productive. Double-bonus for today: it's the first week of NFL football, and there is nothing better than curling up on the couch watching football all day while the rain patters on your skylight.

I've been checking my planner daily like I said I would, and I'm actually feeling some semblence of routine starting to descend. The Lab Animal Club is starting to come together nicely: we got good survey responses on which topics would interest people most, a handful of people have already responded to the monthly contest and I'm going to meet with our club advisor on Monday morning to go over the semester and see what we can get done. Once everything starts to settle with LAC, I'll feel even less stressed about the semester as a whole.

If I look at the semester, though, it's really surgery that worries me. I've said it before (though I try not to say it to my surgery professors!): I have no interest in surgery. I recognize its importance as well as the skill and knowledge necessary, but I just don't find surgery to be particularly interesting. I guess the fact that so much of it seems to be relatively routine - spay, neuter, mass removal, fix broken things - makes me think I'd get bored with it. But the fact that I have to remember where everything is, what to cut (or what not to cut!), and doing it all in as atraumatically as possible (and finishing up with some excellent sutures) scares me. I think the best thing I can do is prepare as much as possible - know my anatomy, have my sutures down pat and fake some confidence. Essentially: control what I can to the best of my ability.

Anyway, I was not nearly as productive as I should have been yesterday, so I'm off to clean up the house a bit and probably work in some more studying (blech). Happy NFL Week 1!

I almost started this post by saying "I can't believe it's already half-way through the second week!" and then realized how many times I've mentioned my disbelief at the passage of time in my last few posts. So I deleted it to spare you all my shock and awe at a process that has been happening at the same speed since whenever it started.

It is an absolutely gorgeous day here on the island after some clouds over the weekend. I think tomorrow it's supposed to rain most of the day and cool down - hopefully the humidity decreases too because I've had to get a lighter blanket to sleep under at night and turn the fan on. It's just a matter of time before true autumn hits and it's rain all day and wind all night. I know I should go out and enjoy the day but I've got a few things on my plate that need doing and the more I crack down on myself now, the more hope I have for an organized semester (or so I hope...) Which reminds me: September's mini resolution! As I have so much to do this semester (to the detriment of my other MR ideas), I'm going to keep it simple and say I will look at my day planner EVERY DAY when I get home from class to stay on top of all that needs to be done. Shouldn't be too hard (famous last words, eh?)

On my plate today: sending out the Lab Animal Club's Lab Animal of the Month contest questions. September's questions are on the guinea pig :) It's a new thing I'm trying to keep people kind of engaged in the club between wet labs and lectures, plus it offers a prize which people always enjoy. Then I'm going to work on our assignment for next week's junior surgery lab on canine anesthesia (drugs, animal evaluations, equipment, etc). Dishes need doing and the house needs straightening (again?!, sigh) so I'll finish up with that later tonight.

To finish on a happy note, Fergus is doing quite well! I went out on Sunday and bought him a new, glass, 2.5 gallon tank to live in with a lid but no filter. The one in his 1 gallon tank was too strong and it wasn't worth paying the extra money for. So I'm going to wait until this weekend to give him time to fully de-stress for the original transplantation before moving him to his new(er), big(ger) digs. He's so happy to be out of his pet store cup, though; I came home to a big bubble nest in the corner of his tank! Not ready for a bunch of betta babies just yet, little man...

Somehow, it is now the first of September. How another week has managed to sneak past, I don't know. As I've mentioned, third year is already double the pace of the first two years and I feel myself lacking in confidence in my own ability to juggle it all. There are more classes, more tests/quizzes, more time needed even before studying starts and more responsibilities with clubs...how I'm going to manage it is also an unknown. I sat down with my planner on Thursday and wrote out every thing I need to remember to do on what day (nevermind that I haven't looked at the darn thing since...but I will!) which made me feel only slightly better. I just have to remind myself of how far I've come and how much I've already accomplished. Before starting, I had no idea how I would tackle all of the work. Before first year midterms, I wondered how I would possibly pass. But as time goes on, you just get things done. Not in a conscious way, but without noticing how much you're actually learning. And when your boss hands you six ferrets to do physical exams on over summer break, you do them without hiccup. That's what matters - getting it done.

So I think my strategy for this semester will be that of swimming in a cold pool - just jump in a get moving and don't think about the fact that you're turning blue and hypothermia is a distinct possbility and wouldn't a nice warm chair by the fire be nice? and oh yeah, there are sharks in the pool.

Because the weather has been decent lately, I've done a lot of non-school stuff, too: coffee with friends, making a little extra cash helping out a local business, fish and chips with friends up in the park and a bonfire last night at the beach. Surrounding myself with friends is one way I attempt to fight the feelings of loneliness - I really miss Danny and Ella. Coming home to a silent, dark little cottage is just depressing. So when I tagged along with friends from fish and chips to the pet store (one friend was getting some fish and shrimp to put in her fish tank), I wound up buying a betta fish for company. The set up I bought for him, however, is lacking. The tank is one gallon in size - a vast improvement over his cup on a shelf - with some nice gravel and a little fake plant. The problem is, the filter they provided has way too high of a flow rate and the little betta (his name is Fergus) ends up having to swim against the current. So I'm going to return this tank and get him either a bigger tank with the same size filter or (more probably) a similarly sized tank with no filter (which will require more frequent water changes).

Lastly and most importantly, my monthly resolution. Well, I'll tell you: I had one picked out, I really did. I was going to volunteer at a local therapeutic riding center. Problem is, I'm going to be way, way too busy this semester. So I'm a bit stumped right now, per usual. Hopefully I think of something soon..

It feels like ages have passed since I last posted when in reality it's only been a couple of days. Third year so far is an absolute whirlwind! I'm taking cardiorespiratory diseases of small animals, musculoskeletal diseases of small animals, neurological & opthalmologic diseases, surgical exercises in companion animals, diagnostic radiology, food animal health & diseases, equine health & diseases, clinical techniques and two electives (intro to exotic pet medicine and principles of integrative medicine). Some classes seem like they'll be really easy for me (exotics, clinical techniques) while others are making me nervous already (radiology). Our one integrative medicine lecture was boring as all get out but I'm hoping it picks up a bit. Seems like it should be a relatively easy class, if not super-stimulating, and worth sticking out for the elective credit.

I'm also president of lab animal club and treasurer of pathology club. Our past president in LAC was a bit disorganized (or maybe super busy, I'm coming to think...) so we didn't get as much done as I would have liked last year. I have high hopes for this year, of course, so hopefully I can get them all to pan out and everyone has a good time. Not to mention that the more cute animals I get to hold the better.

While I'm sure the chaos is likely due to re-establishing a routine for school, I sure hope it settles down soon. If this semester keeps going at 200mph (or kph, for my Canadian friends) I'm going to keel over from exhaustion like, tomorrow. To help myself calm down and feel more organized, I'm going to spend the evening cleaning my house up - I've been here less than a week and it's a mess, ugh - finish unpacking and start on some to do lists. Once everything at least gives an outward appearance of organization, my brain will have time to process everything. Amazing what we can trick our brains into thinking.

In the time between now and lasting posting, so much has happened.

Perhaps most importantly, I put my beloved dog Ella to sleep. She was old, in kidney failure and just not having a great life anymore. I think I was mentally prepared for it to happen (and I knew I would do "it" before going back to school as its a long and stressful journey for her even when healthy) but it's immeasurably sad to not have her around any more. Many people have asked if I will get another pet and the answer (for now) is no, both because the loss is still too new but also because it isn't really fair to any animal I would get (especially a dog or cat) to go through me not being there for long periods during rotations, or being away from home frequently for classes. I've considered a small animal (bird, fish, rat, guiena pig) but right now I think I just need time to feel sad.

On a different note, I moved back up to the island this weekend (Danny tagged along and helped with the drive) and started school today. It's great to see everyone again and I'm glad to finally be settled in instead of having it looming ahead of me constantly. I am ridiculously disorganized right now - and conveniently have 2948348351 things to do - but I think time will go quickly with so much on my plate. Among other things I need to get my parking pass, put together a display for the lab animal club's table at club day (Wednesday), set up my printer, print out notes, put away my clothes, put away my food, do the dishes and get the house to a more liveable state. Whew. I think it's time for a to-do list...

I promise to post more about classes and school as we get going, but I've got a coffee date tonight!

With the new blogs I've been adding and my friends from school re-surfacing on Facebook, I feel hyper-aware of the fact that summer is winding down and school is starting in one week.

Friday was my last day at work. I got a really nice card from everyone and I can't wait to see them all again over winter break in December. I'm going to stop by sometime this week, though, and give my supervisor her caramel popcorn that we got this weekend when we went on our mini-vacation in Ocean City with some friends.

We drove over Saturday morning in minimal traffic. Since we were a bit early for check-in to the bed&breakfast, we stopped for lunch at Danny's favorite pizza place downtown. It was an absolutely perfect day - sunny but not at all hot or humid - so we sat outside under the umbrellas. Pretty sure we all mentioned at least once how there was no way it could really be late August and so nice out! After lunch, we checked into the B&B (friends of friends so we got a nice rate) and then went out to have fun. We went go-kart racing, putt putt golfing and wandering on the boardwalk and beach, capping it all off with fast food at midnight on the porch and just hanging out. We had to be out by 11am the next morning but not before the inn keepers provided an amazing breakfast. Traffic was not so good on the way home (probably because of the pouring rain) - it took us four hours to get home. Danny and I were exhausted when we got back and took a nap before dinner. We got Monsters, Inc. on Netflix, which Danny had never seen, so that was a nice way to finish up the weekend. Now the real work begins - packing!

Not much to write about lately... My sister-in-law (who recently moved to West Virginia from Texas to go to WVU for her last two years of school) came to visit us yesterday. I usually just get odds and ends done on my day off so we didn't have a lot going on, but we puttered around and got to catch up with her, which was nice. Today was an absolute marathon - two meetings, one of which was over two and a half hours long! - and I'm exhausted. Tomorrow is my last day at work (one last meeting aughh!) and my parents will be home from vacation a day early, so Friday when I get home from work I need to scramble and get everything straightened up and nice looking. Danny and I are headed to the beach with friends for a day and night on Saturday. Next week I'll be running around trying to get laundry done and pack and all that jazz.

Basically one week left before I go back!

As I brought up this window, I realized that I don't actually remember the last time I posted! Summer is, of course, slipping away as it always does. Somehow I'm always surprised by how quickly time flies - it sounds so cliché to say that but it's so true. I don't exactly feel like the start of summer was yesterday (I feel like I've been married for ages!) but I also feel like it should be me trekking up to the Great White North for the first time, not the incoming first years. How in the world did I make it to third year?!

My last week of work starts today. I think I will have completed pretty much all of the project I was set to work on this summer. Everything will be a rough draft (other people have to go over what I wrote, confirm it's all correct, make adjustments, etc etc) but every time my boss or supervisor mentions just how much help I've been by getting all this work done, I feel awesome. This group of people were like my family in undergrad, and they're like my family now. I'm really going to miss them. Need to figure out a card or a little gift to get them all to thank them for everything.

I leave for school in 11 days. Danny and I have the house to ourselves as my parents are out of town this week, which is like a vacation for us. Not that my parents are awful by any stretch, but being alone is peaceful and relaxing when so much else is happening or getting ready to happen. I need to make my to do list (and which point I will need to work on my to do list!) but it's a lot easier this time around. I don't feel nearly as stressed as I did that first (or even second) year - or at least not about the actual packing part. But I'm going to be leaving a lot behind and that always gives me pause. Fortunately, I've been able to visit my friends a lot more this summer as there's not a bunch of wedding stuff to get done.

Perhaps a bit of a jumbled post, but I feel a little jumbled right now. Not quite ready to leave but not much left time to stay - these last few weeks of August are always a weird limbo.

Confession: I really enjoy reading medical student and pre-med student blogs. I'm not sure why - I'm living a similar lifestyle, after all - but somehow they're more intense and it's riveting in the way that reality television can be riveting (for better or for worse).

Lately, everyone is focusing on starting their first year and I've seen the same things happening on the pre-veterinary forum where the class of 2017 is getting ready to start. I remember the summer before first year - it was hectic! Not only did I have to pack up my apartment and move, but I was moving to a new country, alone, and had to deal with all of the trappings of that circus. I remember how anxious I felt, how heart-sick to be leaving everything behind. And guess what? I still feel a little twinge when I realize that I have three short weeks before heading back for my third year.

You probably realize what I'm gearing up to here: advice. In general, I try to stay away from being one of those blogs that are aimed at helping pre-whatevers get into whatever school. Not because I think that's a stupid idea, but because I feel like I barely managed the process myself! Fortunately for you, I'm in the sharing mood and I hope someone somewhere finds some shred of comfort or confidence in what I have to say from the half-way point.

• Stop comparing yourself to others now. Everyone in vet school had to work their rear end off to get in. They all went through the same grueling applications, the nerve-wracking wait and the joy of acceptance, just like you. Some of you barely need to study to get an A. Some of you could hit the jugular vein with your eyes closed. Some of you have utterly non-vet-related skills that many blinkers-on pre-vets never had. The point? You are all different. You all have your strengths and weaknesses (even those who seem perfect!). And yet, you are all in the same boat. Many people are moving. Some of you are leaving behind loved ones. Most of you will have to work on your relationships (be it romantic, family or platonic) no matter the distance. Every single one of you is excited and nervous about school and making friends. So fight the urge to wonder about your orientation group's grades or experiences. Stop telling yourself that you alone are going to be lonely and sad and failing. Embrace your differences and work hard for yourself and no one else. And when the first grades come out, don't share what you got. Work harder if you need to, remember what it took if you did well.
• Don't obsess over grades. Admissions is brutally selective and you've been conditioned to get the highest numbers you can achieve but you're in. Some of you are brushing this off because you want to do residency and guess what? Grades are important for that. But don't let grades rule your life. If you do poorly, find help and find a different way to study. If you do well, be content with that. Chances are there will always be someone who scores higher than you - don't let that poison your mind. 
• Find balance. Sometimes I think that people like to complain about how grueling vet school is. And yeah, it's hard. But don't let vet school become your entire life! Find other things to talk about with classmates. Keep up with your hobbies or pick up a new one. Find some way to remain active, even if it's just a walk before dinner in the evening. Get that amount of sleep that you know your body needs as frequently as possible. You may have to prioritize certain things, but make those decisions ahead of time so that you aren't deciding last minute if you will sleep an extra hour or make yourself dinner that night. Give yourself time to do things that have nothing to do with vet school and I guarantee you will be happier.
• If you need help, ask for it. This not only pertains to the classroom but to your mental health as well. It's a big transition period for everyone. Remember Pieces of Advice #1, 2 and 3? Some of you won't follow them and you'll end up burnt out, homesick as hell, lonely and miserable. And it's all downhill from there. If you ever get to that point, find your school's counselor and make an appointment to talk, or even just talk with a supportive friend or family member from back home. Know your support system and utilize the heck out of it.

 It's a wild ride, but you can do it. Good luck 2017!

Today is quite literally one of the most beautiful days I can remember, especially for August in DC. It's just over 70F, not at all humid, sunny with a light breeze...I'm in heaven. We went to a nearby farm that sells their own as well as local produce and stuff and picked up some nectarines and two dish towels with chickens on them for a wedding gift for friends (they raise chickens). Now Danny is out hacking back bushes and mowing the lawn (after he spent yesterday washing all of my parents windows, which is not an easy feat considering they have twenty-two floor-to-ceiling windows that make up the back part of their house!) I'm going to hop out there in a little while and prune my tomato plants which are, to put it simply, out of control. They're bushy and healthy and I'm getting more of the fist-sized ones instead of the cherry ones which my parents prefer to use, so that's nice. I got all excited last weekend and started planning out how next year I want onions and squash and peppers but then I realized I won't really be here next year since rotations will have started. Boo.

Speaking of vegetables, you're probably wanting to know how the vegan thing is going. One word: awesome. In the few short days since I made the leap, I have made a bunch of new recipes (I made falafel last night for the first time ever - everyone liked it!), lost three pounds and just felt good in general. My first real challenge was last night: my dad made an awesome chocolate cake for my grandmother's birthday dinner last night. I was able to resist pretty easily last night but when I sat down to eat lunch today a big waft of chocolate amazingness came floating up to meet me and it was so hard not to reach over a swipe a glob of fudgey icing off the plate (don't worry, I didn't.) I've been trying to focus my recipe searches on things that are either already vegan or easily made vegan. I think once I'm completely "over" animal products, it will be easier to swap in vegan meats and cheeses; right now, when I remember what a good steak tastes like, I think I'd just be setting myself up for disappointment if I tried to make something Really Not Vegan taste like Something Vegan, if that makes sense. I have had frozen vegan burgers, but I've always liked them so I don't think that's as big a deal.

Anyway, it's a glorious day outside - not going to spend it in front of the computer! Happy lazy Sunday :)

Today is the first day of a new month, which means its resolution time. Lately I've been a little lazy in my brainstorming and I think my productivity has reflected that. However, July's resolution - to broaden my horizons - was so successful that it creates the perfect segue ("seg-way" - I know, I didn't know how to spell it either) into August's resolution:

I'm going to go vegan for the month in the hopes that I can go vegan for the foreseeable future.

Whoa, right? I've mentioned that I stopped eating pork in my first year of vet school. I've talked about becoming a vegetarian, and I was really successful (and happy!) with my resolution to eat less meat earlier in the year. I felt better physically, mentally and "morally". But now, to leap into veganism cold turkey (or should I say tofurkey or turk'y)?

Let's break it down.

First, what does it mean to be a vegan? Generally speaking, a vegan does not consume anything that came from an animal. This includes meat, dairy and eggs but extends to products like gelatin and leather. But that's the simple version. I see vegans in a few distinct categories - those who do it for dietary reasons, those who do it for the morals and those (a subset of the second) who take it to the extremes.

Next, why do I want to be vegan? I would consider myself a mixture between the first two categories. Having been nearly vegetarian for a month, I felt great eating less meat and I lost weight. But I'm definitely in the second category, too. I don't like how a lot of livestock are raised: small cages for poultry and pigs, pushing animals - especially dairy - to their limits to their detriment, unenriched environments, etc. I particularly don't like how there are so few (and then only loosely regulated) regulations on transport to slaughter and slaughter. There is so much room for error and I hate the idea that an animal that I consume (or a product of an animal that will one day go to slaughter) could have been one that was ineffectively stunned or injured badly on the trailer or whatever.

The funny thing is, a lot of people look at lab animals like this and while it is largely untrue, there are always instances that crop up that make you sad due to human error. So how can I possibly be OK with animal research? I'm going to be there, working my rear off to make sure that every single creature under my control is treated with the utmost care and respect. I feel like my contributions to the problems outweigh any moral qualms I might have. In addition, I think the field of lab animal medicine is a lot more progressive than that of production and that makes me feel as though a lot of positive steps can and will be made. I don't feel that same assurance with the food industry.

So what will I eat? No meat, dairy or eggs, of course. But if I examine my reasoning for wanting to become vegan, I've decided that I will allow myself to eat animal products that come from local producers that raise their animals in a way that I feel happy with (free range chickens, for example) and slaughter their own livestock. As they have far fewer animals to process and do not have to ship to a far-away slaughter house, I can feel more confident that the animals will undergo a humane death. If people want to bash me for that, that's fine. It's about doing what I believe is morally acceptable.

I could start this post out with my normal pleasantries about what I've done in the (relatively) long time since I last posted, but honestly, I have something to talk about today - two somethings, really, but one of them will be saved for the debut of my August mini-resolution.

Last Friday, my boss volunteered me to demonstrate the use of a captive bolt to another veterinarian, the farm manager, the PI of a study and various technicians. A captive bolt is a tool used to stun and/or kill an animal (almost always livestock). There are two forms of captive bolt: penetrating, in which a steel rod penetrates the skull, and non-penetrating in which a concussive blow is delivered by a blunt-ended rod. Even when a penetrating gun is used, a secondary method of death is delivered, such as ex-sanguination (cutting the throat) or pithing (using a rod to break up brain tissue). The advantage of using a captive bolt instead of the more common injectable barbituate overdose is that it is a very rapid means of euthanizing an animal (really important in a mass casualty event like a fire or trailer accident) and it allows for euthanization of an animal that may be otherwise dangerous to approach or handle (like a large animal that is down or particularly aggressive).

It was not my first time euthanizing an animal - I have euthanized a mouse using carbon dioxide asphyxiation - but it was my first time euthanizing something "more" than a mouse, with observers present and in a teaching environment - teaching those with a heckuva lot more experience than me, too! Because the animal was not first sedated, the residual neuronal activity (which leads to varying intensity twitching and spasms) was strong and I think it freaked a lot of people out. I was told afterward that I handled it all really well, which made me proud, but I still felt weird about it all. People have asked me if it bothered me and in all honesty: no, euthanizing an animal, while sad, was not upsetting to me. It was the fact that others were upset about it that made me feel sad. I think all veterinarians strive to make euthanasias as smooth and stress-free (for both animal and people!) as possible. Not that I think I totally failed that - the animal was gone instantly - but if I could go back, I would have sedated the animal first (as it was just a demonstration) to reduce the movement to ease the people's minds.

As a vet student, something I hear a lot is, "I always wanted to be a vet...but I just couldn't deal with putting an animal down!" Death, we have been trained by society, is a bad, sad thing. I think, through my work, I've become more immune to it than most people, but this is because (I think) I understand it better than most people. Yes, it is a sad time for everyone involved. But frequently, the animal is being euthanized to end its suffering and I would always rather end an animal's life as peacefully and humanely as possible than to let it die on its own because I'm too upset to pull the trigger (literally sometimes as well as figuratively).

In research, though, animals are not always euthanized to end their suffering. Some studies require sacrifice of animals that may be perfectly healthy in order to obtain tissue samples; some studies require that animals be kept alive even when they might otherwise be euthanized. It all depends on the study and the "end points" that it provides. There is always veterinary and IACUC oversight - researchers cannot just decide to prolong an animal's life as long as necessary for their study - but it is not always as cut and dry as a small animal clinic in which the owner makes the decision.

So it's been an introspective time for me since last Friday. I feel like I gained a valuable experience in more ways than one.

I'm home sick today. So I wrote out a half-hearted blog post and then deleted it because really, who wants to read that crap? Instead, I will answer these questions I found when I googled "questions about yourself" so that you all can get to know me a little better while reading something more interesting than just boring drivel about how I don't feel good and life is stressful.

What are your nicknames? What do you prefer to be called?
My nickname is "Red" because (surprise!) I have red hair. I don't mind being called Red at all, but prefer people stick to that or my real name and not just make stuff up.

What books on your shelf are begging to be read?
After I finish God of Small Things I'll be moving on to The Birth of Venus.

How often do you doodle? What do your doodles look like?
I'm not a big doodler - only when I'm really bored in class or when I'm on the phone with someone unfamiliar. My doodles are usually nothing specific, just arrows, circles, shapes, etc.

What do you do if you can’t sleep at night? Do you count sheep? Toss and Turn? Try to get up and do something productive?
 I'm fortunate that I usually fall asleep without issue. When I can't fall asleep, it's usually because I'm really stressed about something. So I do some deep breathing and imagine that I'm inhaling the bad stuff and then exhaling it out. Seems to work.

How many days could you last in solitary confinement? How would you do it?
 I'm an introvert by nature, so I think I would do OK in solitary confinement for the first couple weeks. I'd probably do a lot of sleeping and reading to pass the time.

Do you save old greeting cards and letters? Throw them away?
I do, but eventually throw away the "less important" ones. I still have a birthday card I got from my grandmother when I was, what, ten? It had a sparkly unicorn on it and I thought it was awesome. I also kept a Valentines Day card from my mom with a dog on it that looks a little like my dog.

When making an entrance in to a party, do you make your presence known? Do you slip in and look for someone you know? Do you sneak in quietly and find a safe spot to roost?
When I go to any kind of function, I make sure I make the rounds and greet the people that I know. If I only know a couple of people, I do gravitate towards them until people get comfortable with each other.

What is your strongest sense? If you had to give one up, which would it be?
 Well, I wear glasses to correct my awful vision and I have some hearing loss in my right ear/tinnitus, so neither of those, haha. Out of the remaining senses I don't consider myself to be super-sensitive in one particular area, but I do love food. So I'll go with taste as my strongest. As for which I'd give up...probably smell.

How many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror?
 When I happen to be standing in front of a mirror - usually while washing my hands.

What is one guilty pleasure you enjoy too much to give up?
 Diet Pepsi! I know it's bad for me and I've given it up before, but ugh, I keep coming back.

 How often do you read the newspaper? Which paper? Which sections?
 I read the Washington Post because my mom has a paid subscription. I always read the sports section but usually read local and national stuff too. I really enjoy reading the classified ads, too.

Which animals scare you most? Why?
Bugs, but mostly spiders. I think it's probably just societal conditioning to dislike bugs, but their jumping and legginess doesn't help either...

Are you a creature of habit? Explain.
Yes, definitely. I get up at the same time almost every weekday for school or work, I go to bed around the same time every weeknight unless there's an upcoming exam or Monday Night Football on. I think having a routine helps me be productive but also appreciate the big, out-of-routine stuff like parties or club meetings.

Do you prefer that people shoot straight with you or temper their words? Why?
I prefer people to be not only honest, but forthcoming. Don't sit and stew - just tell me what's wrong and I will do my best to fix it so that we're both happy.

How and where do you prefer to study?
I need a quiet study environment and generally study at home. Last semester, though, I started studying with two good friends and it was actually really helpful, so I may be changing.

What position do you sleep in?
Usually on my side, sometimes on my stomach.

What’s your all-time favorite town or city? Why?
 I really enjoy Portland, Maine, probably because it's where my husband and I meet up during the school year and I associate it with seeing him again. It's also a really fun town with a lot going on - I just wish we were there more in the "on-season"!

When do you find yourself singing?
In the car frequently; sometimes in the shower, if there's a song stuck in my head.

About these adW

I have the day off today, despite the fact that I took Wednesday off to play with monkeys. Fortunately, being on a two week pay schedule, I can make it up by working all five days next week. So I can enjoy my day off guilt-free!

Being the sort of person that I am, I like to make my days off productive. Crossing things off of a to-do list is probably one of my favorite things to do. So today I have a couple of things lined up to check off: laundry, making an oil change appointment for the car (which may be its last before making the trek up to the Great White North, eek), calling Verizon about a billing question and potentially more minutes and meeting my sister for lunch before a doctor's appointment. I got my student loans finished yesterday, which is the most important thing to have lined up before I go back to school.

And holy crap, but I only have four weeks of work left and one more week after that to pack up and then I'll be going back to school. I can't believe that it was two years go that I was preparing to make the trip for the first time: getting all of my paperwork in order, fretting about what stuff to bring, moving out of my apartment at the time...ugh, what a hassle it all was. It's become a much more streamlined process now that I've done it a few times: get rid of unnecessary clothing and stuff, pack desired clothes in vacuum-sealed bags, make sure containers are stocked with toiletries/etc and pack that stuff up. I've been doing a mental inventory and have bought a couple things that I'll need before I go back up but there's still a bit to be done yet.

So that's creeping onto my radar lately, which is both exciting and not exciting. I'm eager to get up there and settle in but I'm going to be sad leaving my husband, family and friends behind. I expect this year to be the most challenging yet, but fourth year is already on my horizon mentally - I've started to contact places about rotations and will need to have those nailed down by February.

It's hard to think about February when it's 95F outside with a heat index of 110F. But it'll be here before I know it. Eek!

In my quest to become a lab animal vet, I've made an effort this summer to gain experiences (within LAM) that I haven't had before through networking. The biggest experience I lack is with non-human primates (NHP) - known to the rest of the world simply as "monkeys."

I'm of the opinion that the general public cares about animals on a spectrum directly correlated with how "human-like" they perceive the specie to be. So while you pretty much never see PETA ads focusing on fish, you've probably all seen plenty of PETA material on chimpanzees or other NHP. Cats, dogs and pigs are usually closer to the NHP end while mice and rats are more toward the fish end of things. And honestly, it makes sense - we as humans have some level of understanding of animals' sentience (their ability to suffer). And so the general public's view seems to be that the more sentient the animal, the more human-like it is and the more likely it is to be suffering in a research setting because we project ourselves into that animal's place.

In my attempt to gain experience this summer, especially in the NHP section of lab animal medicine, I had to look myself in the eye first. As a human, I'm prone to putting myself in the animal's place and thinking it over from that perspective. With primates, it's very easy to do that - they're eerily human-like in their appearance, behavior and mannerisms. They require arguably the most enrichment to even come close to a normal stimulating environment. I wasn't sure how I would feel about seeing creatures like primates housed in comparatively small cages, isolated from their natural group housing dynamics. But I knew I had to try before I could pass judgement.

My time at the university a few weeks ago, and my half-day at an NIH facility today allowed me to gain a better understanding of NHP in research. This particular facility had singly house primates but it also had accommodation for group housing on many levels - the "highest" being a very naturalistic outdoor environment that was, frankly, huge. The people there realize not everything is perfect, but I know that they do their very best to make it as good an environment as they can within the limits of the study. And I think that commitment to doing the best you can with what you have is key. Another benefit of the NHP experiences has been to feed my interest in the behavior and enrichment part of LAM - an interest I developed while working with the lab animals in undergrad. So maybe I have a career focus building?

Last week, I gave a talk to our new undergraduate employees about applying to vet school. One of the things we got to talking about on a tangent was those behavior-style questions applicants are often asked to answer for undergraduate applications: what color crayon would you be? What part of a sandwich would you be?

One of the girls, in response to the latter question, responded immediately: "The meat!" But as I drove home from work today, I got to thinking (no, I cannot re-create my train of thought on that one) and realized that I have no idea what part of the sandwich I'd be. I think my first draft to that question would be to ramble on about how much I love sandwiches (and man, I do love sandwiches.) I'm just not super introspective. Which ties into my thoughts earlier today at work while I was perusing other blogs (both veterinary and non-veterinary based) that a lot of people write, like, meaningful stuff. They reflect on their lives and the issues pertinent to their lives and it just all sounds so eloquent and thoughtful and grown-up.

And here I am in my corner of the internet, babbling on about what I did over the weekend and how, omg u guyz, i loooooove lab animal!!1! And yeah, it's my blog and I'll write whatever I damn well please, but I feel like I should make more of an effort to be an introspective blogger. I should write about issues and profound thoughts. I'll probably still end up writing "what I did the past few days" posts, but that's okay too.

So today: what part of a sandwich would I be?

First, let us (lettuce! ha!) break down the parts to a common sandwich.

There is, of course, the bread. I'd argue that the bread is what makes a sandwich a Sandwich and not just a pile of stuff thrown together. But claiming to be the bread seems pretty lofty to me. You're pretty much saying how awesome and crucial to everything you are. But I can identify with the bread - you aren't always flashy but if chosen correctly, you can really compliment everything else going on.

There is usually some sort of bulky substance in the middle. If you're an omnivore, this is the meat. If you're a vegetarian, this is likely something with a little more authority than just lettuce and tomato - maybe eggplant or a hunk of tofu. It might even be cheese (which I see as either the "meat" or as an addition. But we'll get there. ) This main attraction is a really important part to the sandwich's identity. You may be a common place workhouse, like turkey or ham. You may be showy and unique or even downright weird, like spam. But whatever you are, you know you're the main event, no matter how plain you are. That's a lot of responsibility to be carrying on your shoulders, but you're totally cool with the spotlight. I don't really identify with the meat of the sandwich.

Last, the garnishes. These range from the standard (lettuce, tomato, onion) to the strange (mango chutney, banana peppers). I see garnishes as the most flexible part of the sandwich - you can order a burger without tomato, but you can't order a burger without a burger. What I identify with in garnishes is their ability to be really amazing if you just give them a shot. They're usually selected very carefully to compliment the meat and bread - not too much but enough to give a little unexpected pow of flavor. And I'm the sort of person that warms up to others after spending some time together - I consider my "true" personality to be pretty different than I might first outwardly appear. So like spicy hummus, you might not be expecting what you get, but it's likely to be a pleasant surprise (or at least I hope so!)

There - my first introspective post. I don't know if you learned anything about me and I'm not sure if this was really profound but it's a start. Since a lot of readers come from pre-vet backgrounds, it would probably be well-received to write about the veterinary field, too. But I guess you'll just have to tune in for next time!

The biggest story of this weekend: tomatoes. You recall that I took over tomato growing responsibilities from my well-meaning but plant-killing mother? Well, Friday afternoon I picked (and promptly ate) my very first tomato from the garden! That makes one more tomato than we've grown in the past, I dunno, ten years? Not only that, but there are a ton of green ones waiting to ripen and at least two of my nine plants are just about to top the six foot fence! We had a minor debacle last week where something (some rotten scoundrel deer, I think) came by and took out the top of one of my plants. There was also a bitten-into green one on the ground inside the pen, which I think may have been a squirrel or even raccoon - I don't envision deer chomping tomatoes. So Danny and I upped the security on the two tomato pens this weekend with some light-weight netting that completely covers the enclosures but allows the plants to still grow vertically. I also pruned off the stalks lower than the first fruit-bearing branches (source: the internet) to channel the plants' energy into the fruit instead of bushing out. Honestly, I'm not really bothered by how much I produce, so long as I get a couple of tomatoes out of the deal, but Danny wanted to try it so we did ;)

The rest of our weekend was relatively laid back. We had friends over for a crab-feast and catch-up on Saturday night, we slept in ridiculously late both days and saw The Heat (Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthey[?]) last night. Next weekend we have a cookout with friends/family so I expect it will be a bit busier than this one was. I can't believe the summer is flying by so quickly! There were a couple of times that our friends mentioned "next summer" and I have to remind them (and myself!) that I don't have next summer off - I'll be in rotations! Hopefully I'll be able to schedule my externals all near home and have my break times so that I can see family and friends but still...crazy.

Oh my 'lanta, have I been busy.

Work has me meeting with PI's (principal investigators) and facilities managers left right and center for easily an hour and a half each day. I enjoy getting to interact with different people every day and learn about different management styles within the same institution, but I'm getting behind with transcribing my written notes into their respective Word documents. So instead of planning more meetings, my goal is to finish getting everything typed up so that when others come in behind me, they don't have to sift through my notes and try to decipher what was written and what I was trying to say and then meet with more people. Except that my boss has signed us up for two more facilities to visit next week! Ack. One of them is right across the street from campus but the other is a solid drive to a completely separate facility (dairy) so that should be interesting.

But man oh man, I am loving work. I love the people I work with, I love learning about the administrative process and AAALAC, I love that my boss constantly invites me to do other things outside of the administrative realm. For example, I got to do the initial physical exams on six new ferrets (still in quarantine) and one ferret getting spayed (general population) - by myself! It was a bit intimidating at first but I realized that - surprise! - I know how to do these things. I found a skin rash on one and enlarged popliteal lymph nodes on the other and while neither were severe, I was glad I was able to pick up on those kinds of things. (I got to observe the spay this morning, but all of my time in the small animal clinic has made routine surgery a little plain. That is, until I'm the one at the helm - eek!)

Another awesome thing? My boss has hooked me up with one of his people over at another research facility and I'm going to get to go hang out with them next week! I think the exposure to different facilities, different management styles and perhaps some new species will be great. I'm finding that literally every thing I do in this field makes me fall even more in love with it. And I'm sure I'll look back on this post ten years from now and chuckle or roll my eyes but right now it's hitting me like a teenage romance and it's glorious.