Yesterday, I took an exam that I didn't feel very good about. Yesterday, I looked at my calendar as I do every day and all I could see was a gaping chasm of work and stress and tiredness. Yesterday, I felt many things, dejected being up there at the top.

Last night, I watched Monday Night Football with the space heater on, browsing half-heartedly through my exotics notes and allowing myself to be distracted by other things. Among those things was a website for women back home. Guest bloggers talked about all the sorts of things that they do - health, exercise, home decor, families, recipes, marriage. And as I sat reading about these blogger women, I felt simultaneously revolted and jealous. I've chosen a path in which my career is nearly equal to my relationship in importance and the idea of basing my self-worth on the fact that I'm married and lifted some dumbells and whipped up a quick (yet healthy and cost-effective) dinner and served it on my dinner table with perfect autumn decor is horrifying. And yet I have always, always been envious of the women out there who do it all - have a career, raise their children, stay healthy, cook, clean and keep their homes looking like catalogues. I always swear to Danny that I will be That Wife.

I didn't go to any of their blogs (I wouldn't be able to live down the dirty dishes in my sink, the unfolded blanket on the couch, etc) but as I crawled into bed last night, my thoughts kept returning to my own blog. All I managed yesterday was a couple of paragraphs whining about how stressed I am. What in blazes is the point of even writing something like that? To procrastinate studying for my quiz? To make other people feel sorry for me? Excuse my language, but eff that. It's time for a kick in the pants. The self-pity and the wallowing need to stop if I'm going to manage to get anything accomplished this semester. But that requires a plan and right now the only plan I have is to make a plan.

So it's off to the drawing board of life for me. To figure out how to motivate myself - or at least prevent myself from wasting too much time so that all that will be left to do is work, anyway - to figure out how to feel more organized (though my planner really does help), and to find a way to keep my head in the game. Because every time my head isn't in the game (which seems like all of the time lately), I end up feeling miserable.

Stay tuned.